Does It Take a Piece of Paper to Feel Commitment?

I'll start from my frame of reference which is that I am an incurable romantic. (Not that I want to be cured) And my contention is that commitment makes love relationships deeper and richer. I grew up with peers who did not think it was necessary to have a piece of paper to be committed, and to some extent I believe them. After all, why is the government involved in my relationship? It seems like just another way to keep track of earnings for taxes. And maybe it helps children know who their father is and maybe it makes them feel a little more responsible, but not from what I've seen. It does seem like another way to keep people in line who would not otherwise stay in line, i.e. "Thou shall not commit adultery."

But my peers also had wide access to birth control so the issue of knowing the father became almost moot. Certainly the idea that you had to stay with one person because otherwise you might have children all over the place became antiquated.

So why worry about that piece of paper at all? Well, because, we live in our culture. At some level, we are permeated by it, and as such, we recognize that we have not really committed if we have not shown up to the altar and announced it and recorded it somewhere.

I know that I have lived with a man without that piece of paper, and not once did I feel his true commitment to me. He may have felt it, but I didn't feel that deep down sense of security that this man was committed to having a life together through some of life's ups and downs. Turns out he didn't. But maybe my insecurity colored the relationship so much that it never could get off the ground.

In my next relationship I decided I would not live with a man without the paper. It was never a demand, just a stand in my heart that I would not cross that threshold again. When the day came that we got married, all my insecurity about committing went away for good. And our relationship became glued like cement.

It's not just a piece of paper. It's a representation that you are a unit, and it's the way we do it in our culture. If you are not willing to represent your couplehood that way, then it's probably best that you release your partner to find someone who is willing to give their whole heart. You deserve nothing less.