How to Ensure Mutual Commitment in a Relationship

Most relationships fail because of lack of reciprocity of commitment. Think of marriages---infidelity and lack of love are the most common causes of divorce. So one partner feels and believes he/she has fulfilled her part in the relationship, but the other partner has not.

Assuming this is the only problem in a relationship and there is no permanent fissure, here are some ways you can ensure reciprocity.

1.COMMUNICATE

It sounds silly, but so many of us do not communicate what we expect from a relationship and what the partner ought to expect. We assume for instance that because we like dancing, our partners would too---so we enroll them in a dance class, and wonder why we are doing all of the heavy lifting.

So the moral is---Assume very little, communicate clearly and often.

2. DEMONSTRATE

Again acts and thoughts do not get transmitted and become clear to our partners because we assume they do. Any act that we believe is a strong example of our commitment should be gently demonstrated so it becomes very clear.

E.g. let us say your partner is on a diet. You have to choose a restaurant for Valentine's day. Do not choose Greasy Spoon, or The Lard Diner. Demonstrate that while you are not on a diet with your partner, you empathize with his sacrifice and will play along--choose a health oriented restaurant and order sensibly. This will clearly demonstrate to your partner that you are committed in your relationship.

3. EDUCATE

Just because partners are together do not assume your partner knows all about commitment. Take a simple thing like planning a trip. You have to plan it together (unless it is a surprise gift from your partner). If your partner decides to tell you after he/she has booked the tickets, chosen the destination and made all the arrangements, it is your duty to tell him or her that you do not appreciate the one-sided decision making. There are several ways to tell him or her that, but the best way is to be clear, firm, but understanding.

4. CELEBRATE

When you have seen a strong example of commitment from your partner, make it a special occasion and tell him or her you love the show and genuine action that demonstrates commitment. You will be surprised how these moments are cherished by your partner.

Last but not the least, commitment is about fundamental values and behaviors, not about petty things. Object and criticise lack of commitment in your partner only if a) you believe it is a systemic issue and b) it is of considerable importance to your relationship. Nagging never helps and constant nagging can ruin sense of commitment and reciprocity in your partner.