Your Relationships - Some Thought-Provoking Questions

Relationships are central to being human. We need each other and most of us need to be needed. From relationships we get a sense of belonging. We're given an opportunity to give love, to be loved. Relationships present to us the mirrors for who we think we are as well as who we are not. We choose like-minded souls to reassure ourselves that our own lives make sense. We thrive with touch, with sharing our meals with someone, with meeting the challenges that life brings us, not alone but with a partner, a family, a friend, a community. We need laughter! Music! Song! We need to hear another's point of view. We need someone to listen to ours. We need someone to listen to our stories, which is how we heal. In all this, relationships give our lives meaning, hope, and reassurance. With luck, they give us joy.

Take the time to really evaluate your relationships over the last several years. � How satisfying have they been, in terms of how much you feel nourished by your relationships? � How well do you think you've contributed to your relationships in ways that feel appropriate to you? � Do you tend to "give too much?" Are you the accommodator? � Are you more passive, assuming or hoping your partner will initiate? � Do you attend to your own needs in relationship, and find relationships where your needs are met? � Have you developed the ability to have compassion or empathy for those you love? Can you listen to their stories with genuine interest, helping them share their lives with you? Can you sustain your interest in them over time, showing patience and true caring? � Have your relationships grown along with you as you grow?

Each of us tends to develop certain personality styles, whether consciously chosen or not. These styles, which are sometimes full-on strategies for life, become our default ways of responding to most situations. Some of these strategies are more or less fixed - they're not likely to change. Some of them are more malleable, and we can alter them if we've discovered the strategy no longer works in a positive way. First we need to become aware of what our own strategies or personality tendencies are.

What kind of roles have you played in your relationships? For instance: � caretaker � needy child � parent to a partner, or to most people, come to think of it � peacekeeper, mediator � tolerant, easy-going � submissive � jokester, tension-breaker � overbearing or controlling (ever heard this?) � Pollyanna � No, really, there IS a positive spin to everything, if you just look for it! � Responsible one � Enabler � Passive bystander � The good friend � Doormat � The fixer � The destroyer ("I get blamed for everything") � The activities coordinator � The one whose fault it never is (oh yeah, that's the other guy!) � The loner - what relationships???

Every relationship comes with at least two people, who at some point will disagree. That can be minor or it can highlight real conflict. Learning how to deal positively with real conflict in significant relationships is key.

How do you tend to deal with conflict in your important relationships? � I run from it - it never works out well anyway and I hate it. � I go head-on, we might as well deal with it so we can move on � I ignore it, hoping it will go away � I take time to consider the other's point of view and then tell him or her how I feel about what's happening. Meanwhile I'm pretty good at reading my partner (friend, child, boss, etc.) so I have my arguments well prepared and can even help them realize what they are really feeling! � I consult with my sister (or mother or BFF or maybe five of my closest friends) to get their read on it. They usually agree with me- they're great friends! Then I confront my partner with the consensus of the majority, so he can see how he's wrong. I say all of this very gently, of course. � I just stop talking, try to leave the room except my partner follows me so I can't get away, which is more than frustrating because sooner or later I know I'm going to lose it. � I start out calmly but before I know it we fight, yell, cry. It can go on for hours. � I end up feeling like a child, and/or my partner acts like a child, and there's not only no hope we're going to resolve anything, it's horrible to go through. � I've given up out of frustration that even if I try, nothing seems to get better, and it's too upsetting because it just turns into a fight. � There is no problem. I make the decisions. Of course, I always check in with my partner and let him/her know what I've done so they're in the loop. � I shut down. This usually lasts a few days. Or maybe it's been years, I don't know.

So is this the fate of our relationships or can we learn, as we've learned to send rockets to the moon, to get through the hard stuff with the people we love most and still keep our dignity?

Look for Beth Strong's article, "The Art of Resolving Conflict in Your Relationship" for an insightful exploration of how to deal with conflict with the ones you love.