How to Build Trust in a Relationship

"Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships." - Stephen R. Covey

Healthy relationships are always built on an invisible foundation of trust, and because they are living systems that exist in an ongoing environment of endless flux and change, there is no such thing as a perfect or static relationship; chaos and change threaten "all" relationships. It is important to keep in mind how easily trust can be lost, and once lost, how difficult it can be to reclaim. Unless we intentionally work to built a solid foundation of trust into our all of our relationships, we will find ourselves ill equipped to survive or cope with the certain conflicts and stress that come with change.

Trust is not only important in our relationships with others, it is important to have trust internally; to learn to trust ourselves. Since no one ever knows for certain what the future holds or what tomorrow will bring, trust in self is the invisible force that enables us to embrace hope and move forward with confidence into that uncertain future. We embrace hope, trusting that we will have the strength and resources to cope with whatever challenges the future holds for us. Without self-trust, the future quickly becomes a threatening source of fear and anxiety.

Whether we are talking about trust in our relationships with others, or trust in our relationship with ourselves, there are four equally important elements or skills that will need to be embraced.

The first is the understanding that our words and our behaviors must always be consistent. If we say we love someone, then our behaviors need to "be" loving. If we claim to love someone and then we hurt them through behaviors that are not loving or compassionate, they tend to remember the behavior, not our words. In other words, when our words and our behaviors are not consistent, the pain we create for others and ourselves begins to undermine the trust our relationships are built upon.

The second is our ability to be authentic; to say what we honestly feel without blaming others for our feelings, or pretending that we don't feel anything. Our words will be honest and authentic only when we have learned to "be" honest and authentic.

Honesty and authenticity means that we first have to be comfortable owning our own feelings, and then we have to be willing to openly share them or express the truth as we see it---to both others and ourselves. Then we must learn to let things develop the way they will without trying to force them one way or another."

For example, instead of saying that "you are a jerk that rejects my feelings" we could simply say "your silence feels critical and rejecting to me". In other words, quietly state your feelings and avoid using the word "you". The word "you" is too often associated with blame.

Learning to be authentic in our relationship with self and others requires practice, but if our goal is building and maintaining trust, it is a skill well worth developing. Over time, our friends will come to trust that we are honest and authentic; that the person they see is the person we actually "are".

Thirdly, remember that you need to keep your words and your behaviors loving and compassionate. In other words, there are going to be times when it may be better to say nothing; to just let things be as they are. Not every single infraction needs to be commented on in any relationship. Of course, if the other person's behavior continues to be hurtful, then eventually you will need to be honest and authentic with them and share your feelings.

Remaining compassionate when dealing with thoughts and behaviors that we are not comfortable within ourselves is often very difficult. Without growth in self-awareness, self-honesty, and self-authenticity, our ability to offer compassion to others or ourselves will be very limited.

Fourthly, remember that our primitive ego is very reactive and honestly believes that it is always right; that it's feelings are a direct reflection of reality. In other words, if our primitive ego "feels" others are being critical, our primitive ego will want to blame "them" for the feeling. The reality is that no one can make us feel anything that isn't already inside of us. The only thing others can do is remind us that we are very sensitive to criticism.

Let me give you an example. Lets assume you have a fear of snakes or spiders and I pick up a snake or spider and hold it a foot from your face. Your primitive ego is going to be scared and will blame me for scaring you. Now lets pretend that I pick up a baby bunny rabbit and hold it a foot from your face. There is a high probability that you are going to want to hold and pet it. The difference between the two examples is clear. You obviously have no fear of baby bunny rabbits already inside of you. Therefore I cannot remind you of such a fear.

However, you do obviously have a significant fear of snakes or spiders already inside of you, so it is relatively easy for me to remind you of your fear --- but I have no power to make you frightened of them, I can only remind you of the fear you already have. Of course, if I know of your fear and wish to be kind and compassionate friend, I would try to avoid playing with snakes and spiders when I was near you.

The fact that no one can make you feel anything that isn't already inside of you is an important reality when attempting to build trust. The bottom line is simple---"learn to own your own feelings". The problem of course is that our primitive ego finds this a very difficult thing to do. Only our observing ego has the ability to pay attention and remain self-aware; to understand that our feelings are always subjective. They are always "our" feelings. Insisting that the other person change their behavior is like telling "them" to take an aspirin because "we" have a headache.

The inability to own our own feelings, and the blame that our primitive ego then projects onto the other person, is the cause of most relationship failures.

When we learn to own our own feelings, we no longer feel powerless and controlled by others. We no longer have to blame others for "our" feelings. We can look inside for the source of our own feelings. At the same time, when we learn to trust that we do not have the power to "make" others feel anything; we begin to love ourselves more. We no longer have to take ownership when others say "shame on you for making me feel ______". Learning to love ourselves, learning to trust that we are really OK, is important because we cannot love others until we learn to love ourselves. Much of the conflict we see in the world today comes from the fact that we often "do" love others as poorly as we love ourselves.

When woven together, these four strands will result in a trust that will support any relationship. But when broken, trust is a very difficult thing to repair. The rule of thumb in rebuilding trust is simple; you only get one chance, and it usually takes a long time. When trust is broken twice, it is a rare relationship that can be successfully repaired. Fortunately, trust in the relationship we have with ourselves is always available to healing through growth in self-awareness.