Couple's Agreement - Are You Clear About Your Relationship?

Entering into a relationship is usually fun and excitement mixed with lots of passion and the belief that 'this is it'. Rarely we look through the glasses of reality - that comes later, often followed by disappointment or disillusionment. Think about what you want in a relationship and communicate it before it is too late.

Social conditioning

Couples ask me: 'Aren't there rules that are obvious?' or 'This must be common sense!' The answer is no, there are no obvious rules and there is no common sense when it comes to relationships. All that you believe to be the rules you follow are because you took them on, consciously or as part of your upbringing. You have accepted your social conditioning, rebelled against it or transcended it and created your own - still, it is your own mix and there is no overall agreement applying to everyone.

What is a couple's agreement?

At some stage in any relationship you will hit disagreement or even worse a big crisis, which in most cases is about unspoken bottom lines that have been crossed or opposing ideas and beliefs. This is the time to start discussing and negotiating your couple's agreement if you don't just want to go down the same road a few days, weeks or months down the track.

How to get a couple's agreement started

Discuss all important areas that touch your relationship: sexuality, intimacy, time spent together and apart, important traditions that you want to keep up, ideas about having children or rearing children, religion, social life, recreation and fun, alcohol, drugs and smoking habits, your important rules, values and beliefs (in all the areas mentioned and beyond), career and job, friends and family, environment, finances, holiday planning, self development, living arrangements etc. This will be a work in progress discussing anything that is important to you.

Bottom lines

Some of your rules are what we call 'bottom lines' which means that under no circumstances are you able to accept them to be crossed. For some people it might be that their bottom line is 'having an affair' or 'bringing up children in another religion than theirs'. Don't just leave it at 'having an affair', assuming that both of you have the same understanding about what this is supposed to mean. Make it very clear and precise, for example: Where do you draw the line in regards to 'having an affair'? It is going out with someone else on a date, kissing someone passionately on the lips, sleeping with someone else or which other specific things are triggering your bottom line?

Compromise

You won't have the same bottom lines, but as a couple you need to agree jointly where you want to meet in your relationship. Make sure that you are comfortable with what you agree on.

Re-negotiation and next challenges

Re-negotiation should be a regular couple's activity, hopefully before you hit the next challenges which will surely surface. Be prepared for the fact that you might change your ideas around parts of your agreement and if they do, you need to communicate this with your partner.

Having a couple's agreement will not save you from further disagreement and crisis points. They are just a sign that you need to talk about things that might not have been clear and specific enough for both sides.

Happy relating!