Are You Committed To Your Partner Or To Your Values?

As we grow up we begin to develop our own thoughts and ideas about ourselves and the world around us. We collate, analyze, manipulate and adjust our own hypothesis using information that is coming in to us from an array of different sources. Initially this source is our parents and then perhaps from siblings, then from school, friends and peers, then TV, travel, work and so on. Through the very process of living our lives we come to develop our values.

What are values? They are simply traits, qualities and beliefs that we personally hold to be important and special. Our values grow and develop within ourselves often by a process of experiencing contrast in our lives. We soon become aware of and judge something we decide to be good or bad, wanted or unwanted and this process goes on and on until the day we die. It is often through the process of what we do not like; we come to know what we do like.

Our value system develops in a very similar way. When it comes to an intimate and meaningful relationship often people will say that they are committed to that person and committed to that relationship. But is this really the case? Are you truly committed to that person and that relationship?

What people are truly committed to are their values and the upholding of their values VIA that person and that relationship.

I'll give you an example to highlight this. Women who are in an intimate relationship often have a value of monogamy and trust. Therefore often if a woman discovers that her partner has cheating on her with another woman, what does she often do? She leaves her partner. Even though she may have been with that partner for many many years, she will leave them. This shows that what she was committed to was not that person at all, but to her values of monogamy and trust, which he was obviously not as committed to.

As long as our partners are exhibiting behaviours that are in alignment and uphold what we personally value, we will remain in that relationship. However ounce our partners violate a value that we determine to be of high importance, we will often choose to leave that person in search of another who can uphold our hierarchy of values.

In the example above, the decision to either remain with or leave our partner will be determined by how high we place the values of 'monogamy' and trust' on our hierarchy of values. Most people would place these very high, hence, most people will decide to leave a relationship if the others actions are in violation to these values. On the other end of the scale, we may value a neat and tidy bedroom, but at the same time are unlikely to leave our partners if they continually leave their dirty t-shirt on the floor. This would be because a neat and tidy bedroom would be much lower on most people's hierarchy of values and hence much less likely to be the source of a breakup.

Our values and beliefs dictate our words and behaviours probably much more than most people realise. It is worth noting this when it comes to approaching the idea of relationships and commitment. People have often devoted their entire lives to formulate beliefs and values about who we are and our world around us. It seems only natural that when looking for a long term relationship that we find another who can reflect these beliefs and values back to us.

It acts almost as a reinforcer to us every time we experience the expression of our values in another person. We often do not like the idea of changing or adjusting or values because they have often developed over many years via many experiences. We become very attached to them and will only consider changing or adjusting them if we experience something that is uncomfortably incongruent with our current world view.

Being aware of this process within ourselves, can somewhat liberate us from placing pressure on our loved ones to behave in ways to please us. Ultimately our happiness is in our own hands and we should take responsibility for it accordingly.